Our Last Show Together- Fantasy Grounds Friday #187
In Loving Memory of David Middleton
Grief is a hard word and even harder state. No two people experience it the same. I lost my significant other on November 20th, 2021 from Covid. I was fortunate, we were able to say those final "I love you" before they were put into an induced coma. I am a better person having known and loved my partner. We were good for and to each other.
So, here I am dealing with a loss. The logical part of my brain knows grief is a normal process that should be dealt with. It cannot be worked through quickly or easily. Tears happen, they happen often. There are five stages of grief for me to work through- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
I threw myself immediately into my work. I like keeping busy. I enjoy my job, it fills the day and fulfills me. I work from home, so when tears come, no one sees them. I can freely cry and not feel uncomfortable. The busier I am, the less likely I will think about my loss. Being numb is easier than the pain that comes and goes. Denial is the mind's survival mode in full swing.
It is those hours whilst awake with nothing to do that I find the hardest to deal with. Fortunately, every other Tuesday and every Thursday I play an RPG. Side note- I am sure people have noticed, my Monday game has stopped. The DM has ghosted our group. Life happens...
November 20th was a Saturday and the following Tuesday was a Dragonscales night. I could have easily canceled. I am sure the group would have understood, but I decided to play. I know I did not have my normal cheerful demeanor and the DM noticed. He asked if I was okay, having not seen my social media post about my loss. I managed not to cry telling him about my partner's death. That was hard. Feelings are so close to the surface. Trying to keep some semblance of normal can be rough. I was able to play, a momentary disconnect from my reality.
I did well until I laughed. Something so simple. I felt guilty for finding something amusing. I quickly turned off my camera. Turned off my mic and cried. It did not last long. Survivors' guilt is a bear. Wiped my face and turned my mic back on. The cam remained off. I finished the rest of the game with little incident. After we finished, I cried. Normally. after the game, my partner and I would discuss our days. It is hard not having them there to share the highs and lows.
Thursday was Gamma World night. I did better. I reminded myself that I was allowed to laugh. I am allowed to smile. My partner would not have wanted me to wilt away. For the three hours that we play, I can be someone else. I can temporarily escape my sadness. I turn off my camera when the pain hits. I mute the mic, but I find the strength to go on. Gaming can be therapeutic.
Stepping away from pain, even for just a short time. Lifting the heaviness that has entered my life. Putting aside everything that comes with a loss for any amount of time is a godsend. Gaming is that for me.
Tuesday rolls around and another loss. One of our group passed from COVID. Our entire group is now dealing with the loss of Colter. This was the player whose character was the main fighter, the leader. He was fun to play in a campaign with. I could be silly with him. He was a really neat person. We played our game and toasted his memory at the end. The dynamic will change. Death brings change.
On Thursdays, we have started a new short Gamma World campaign. I am not playing my usual type in this one. I am playing a character that is more fearful, and less likely to run into battle. I am playing the quiet support character. I do not have it in me to play my normal kick-in-doors and fight type. I need that calmer role at the moment.
I am still dealing with denial. It does not feel real. No memorial has been done yet. Due to so many deaths, the cremations are weeks behind. Other than my partner not being here, much of my life is similar to normal.
The worst was I dreamt that they had mixed up my partner with another patient and the other one died. In the dream, my partner called me and told me about the mix-up. I woke up and reality crashed down hard. Tears flowed. I got up, washed my face, and did work instead of going back to sleep.
Other times are difficult. Those moments that I find something my partner would want to read, know about, etc. that reality kicks in. They are not here to share with. I allow myself a few tears, then fill time with something productive. Lately, it is learning more about using Fantasy Grounds.
I am adding even more to my plate to keep busy. Starting January 10th, I will be in a new online series. The Damsels of Death & Destruction will be taking DM classes. These classes will be taught by Laerun of Fantasy Grounds Academy. We will be adding two more ladies to the group. Mondays will be filled in a few weeks.
As I work through my grief, I remind myself that I am allowed to laugh. I am allowed to enjoy things. My partner would not want me to be sad. Grief is natural and with time will ease. For now, I am thankful for RPGs and work to keep me occupied and sane.
The Damsels of Death & Destruction with the Digital Dungeon Master playing Pathfinder.
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